Recently old things have come up, I really only think about
them when I go to concerts sometimes. It
was 10 years ago when I went to a Ryan Cabrera show I got there early waited in
line and got front row where I always like to be. I can remember it clear as day; I got tapped
on the shoulder and told I should “let skinnier people up front, because 2
people could stand where I was.” To this
day it haunts me. Don’t get me wrong I
still get front row but I always think the artist probably would like the
skinnier “twig” girls up front. Another
time I caught a guitar pic and this girl wanted it and because she couldn’t have
it she told me I needed to get in the back because I took up more room. Why do girls or the general world population
think they can say such hurtful words and its okay?
I was a heavier girl, but I have lost 27% of my previous
weight which is about 72 pounds. This is
not an easy battle. I am about 45 pounds
away from my goal weight. I will see
pics from “Behind the Drum Set” and sometimes I am okay with it and sometimes I
think “girl you have to hit that gym”.
Where am I going with this…?
My self-confidence is always in doubt. Some days I am the most confident then there
are the days that it is at an all-time low.
Again it comes up at concerts the most; I think these guys want to see
the skinny girls. What about the girls
that are a little over average that are there for the music and not to bed the
Singer or his band? Can she not have a
good time and be up front? I always am
secretly thinking “Sorry guys I know you don’t want me up front”.
People are cruel, I wish I didn’t care as much as I do but
it is an insecurity I have had since grade school, I seem to always be the one
picked on even though I am a sweetheart.
I can come across as defensive, I don’t mean to but maybe it is from the
constant teasing I got from school and a sibling?
It is a constant struggle that I am learning to
control.
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