Old Feelings

Recently old things have come up, I really only think about them when I go to concerts sometimes.  It was 10 years ago when I went to a Ryan Cabrera show I got there early waited in line and got front row where I always like to be.  I can remember it clear as day; I got tapped on the shoulder and told I should “let skinnier people up front, because 2 people could stand where I was.”  To this day it haunts me.  Don’t get me wrong I still get front row but I always think the artist probably would like the skinnier “twig” girls up front.  Another time I caught a guitar pic and this girl wanted it and because she couldn’t have it she told me I needed to get in the back because I took up more room.  Why do girls or the general world population think they can say such hurtful words and its okay? 

I was a heavier girl, but I have lost 27% of my previous weight which is about 72 pounds.  This is not an easy battle.  I am about 45 pounds away from my goal weight.  I will see pics from “Behind the Drum Set” and sometimes I am okay with it and sometimes I think “girl you have to hit that gym”.  Where am I going with this…?

My self-confidence is always in doubt.  Some days I am the most confident then there are the days that it is at an all-time low.  Again it comes up at concerts the most; I think these guys want to see the skinny girls.  What about the girls that are a little over average that are there for the music and not to bed the Singer or his band?  Can she not have a good time and be up front?  I always am secretly thinking “Sorry guys I know you don’t want me up front”.

People are cruel, I wish I didn’t care as much as I do but it is an insecurity I have had since grade school, I seem to always be the one picked on even though I am a sweetheart.  I can come across as defensive, I don’t mean to but maybe it is from the constant teasing I got from school and a sibling? 

It is a constant struggle that I am learning to control.